I really hate to keep coming back to the same thing as a starting point for these blog posts, but it’s such a basis for who I am and what I’m currently going through that you’ll just have to deal with it.
In high school I remember my mom first broaching the idea of therapy, because she could tell I was lonely. I was trying to hang out with the cool kids and they just weren’t having it. And I wasn’t interested in the parties they attended, so how could I be cool?
In college I made one good friend who moved away after our first semester.
After college I got married, and his friends became my friends. But when things got bad I heard so many times that if not for him I wouldn’t have any friends, that it became true. If it weren’t for the fact that his friends had to like me because we were married, then I’d be all alone. After we first split up there were times when I had to go back and actually read my journal from those days to remind myself why we shouldn’t be together. I seriously internalized that message.
And it’s complete bullshit.
But it does take me awhile to come out of my shell and make friends. That’s why this move to Colorado is so scary. I have absolutely no support network out there and I’m definitely going to be lonely. And
maybe some of that internalized abuse is still floating around in my head, making me worry that I won’t make any connections until I start school a year after moving there and have classmates to bond with.
Anyone in the Fort Collins or Denver area need a roommate?
At least I have my dogs.