I’m afraid of…

being alone. 

I really hate to keep coming back to the same thing as a starting point for these blog posts, but it’s such a basis for who I am and what I’m currently going through that you’ll just have to deal with it. 

In high school I remember my mom first broaching the idea of therapy, because she could tell I was lonely. I was trying to hang out with the cool kids and they just weren’t having it. And I wasn’t interested in the parties they attended, so how could I be cool? 

In college I made one good friend who moved away after our first semester. 

After college I got married, and his friends became my friends. But when things got bad I heard so many times that if not for him I wouldn’t have any friends, that it became true. If it weren’t for the fact that his friends had to like me because we were married, then I’d be all alone. After we first split up there were times when I had to go back and actually read my journal from those days to remind myself why we shouldn’t be together. I seriously internalized that message. 

And it’s complete bullshit. 

But it does take me awhile to come out of my shell and make friends. That’s why this move to Colorado is so scary. I have absolutely no support network out there and I’m definitely going to be lonely. And maybe some of that internalized abuse is still floating around in my head, making me worry that I won’t make any connections until I start school a year after moving there and have classmates to bond with. 

Anyone in the Fort Collins or Denver area need a roommate? 

At least I have my dogs.

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9 Comments

  1. I so hear you. It is definitely scary moving to a new place where you literally know NO one. I am in the total same boat. Next Thursday, I’m leaving for Pueblo, my parents are coming with me to help move my things, and then Sunday morning, they’re gone. Then I’m allll alone. Just me and my cat 🙂 It will definitely be scary but I am confident that you and I will both make friends in no time. Think positive and try to step out of your shell a little bit – I’ve learned that if I don’t do that sometimes, I regret NOT doing it more than I would if I HAD done it. 🙂

    • Where are you moving from? I really think my dogs are going to be a huge comfort to me the first little while that I’m there. It’s definitely part of the appeal of having a roommate too, though. So I’m not completely isolated. And you’re right, I need to put myself out there more! I’ve joined meetup.com, but since I’m leaving in three months it feels kind of pointless to meet people here in Athens, but it looks like a good place to start if I get really desperate!

  2. I think it’s great that you shared this and are so honest. I live in Fort Collins. I am married so not looking for a roommate but I have a dog if you’re dogs are ever looking for new friends too 😉

  3. Hey, I found you through the linkup, and I absolutely feel ya’ on being alone…it’s a scary thing, and we all feel alone at some point or another. I’m actually in Colorado until June 2nd (I’m as Shoshoni yoga retreat)…and my days off are Mondays, if you’d like to meet up. 🙂

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